Seriously, look at that precious face... who would ever imagine that tiny heap of cuteness could make me question everything I thought I so firmly stood for and against! From nursing, to sleep patterns, to when should I call the pediatrician, I was a ball of mixed emotions I didn't even realize you could experience all at the same time.
My first experience of losing all confidence and then surprisingly gaining a lot of it back happened almost immediately after my first child was born. Olivia was born 3 weeks early, but all signs pointed to a healthy, not necessarily happy, but "normal" baby girl. When we brought her home from the hospital she would scream and scream for hours on end. Of course, I was given "advice" from everyone I knew, and some people I didn't. I was afraid to venture out of the house, because I just wasn't sure when the screaming would start and worse when/if it would end. I was taking her to the pediatrician on her regular follow up appointments, and would ask about the screaming, but the doctor told me it was normal. We had some breastfeeding issues during this time, and sought help with a lactation consultant and I really thought the screaming would stop. It...DID....NOT!!! I felt like the WORST Mommy ever, why is my baby so unhappy ALL of the time?!?! I finally started looking on the internet and came across "silent acid reflux" and thought this is what is going on with my poor, screaming baby! My pediatrician however would not entertain the idea and sent me on my way. Anyone who has been around a screaming baby knows the feeling of being at your wit's end, and that is exactly where I was headed! So, I found another pediatrician in town, a very highly recommended one, but the kicker was she was very popular and she didn't readily accept new patients. I'll never forget the day I called her office and she wanted to talk to me about what was going on. I explained some of the issues Olivia was exhibiting and the entire time I'm talking O is screaming from her room. I told her that I had taken her to another pediatrician but that doctor thought everything was typical for a newborn. I began to cry as she told me that she would see Olivia the next morning. At her office the next day, this angel doctor began to ask me question after question after question all the while observing Olivia, talking sweetly to her, holding her, watching me feed her, etc...
Then the doctor asked me a pivotal question, "Do YOU know what is wrong with her?"
I replied in a quiet, timid voice, "I think she has silent acid reflux."
Doctor: "I think you are absolutely right!"
Me: "Really? That's what it is?"
Doctor: "Yes, her symptoms are pretty classic."
Then she said the most profound thing, and something I have relied on for these last (almost) 7 years of motherhood: "You know your baby better than anyone else. You have to trust your "mommy instinct" and not let anyone talk you out of what you believe is going on with your child. No doctor, your own mother, not even your husband will experience the intuition you will experience regarding your baby. You brought her here today because you KNEW something was not "normal", you did the right thing."
After leaving her office (with a prescription for medicine for baby O) I cried and cried in the car. Sad that Olivia had been suffering all that time, mad because the first doctor wouldn't listen to me, but most importantly relieved that I had finally found some answers.
(There is my sweet, happy baby Olivia!)
My confidence as a mom continues to be tested, but when I remember that I know my children the best and I need to do what is best for them, and nobody else, I can feel peace with my decisions. Of course, saying a lot of prayers is helpful too!!
No comments:
Post a Comment